The Scoffayette decided to use its limited daylight hours and even more limited Student Government-issued budget to settle the ultimate debate once and for all: what’s the fastest way to Marquis Hall?
“I literally broke up with my girlfriend over this,” Mark Quee ‘25 said. “Please come back, pookie. We can figure this out.”
For the socially isolated: Lafayette students waltzing to Marquis — or really, anywhere in that tumbleweed wasteland corner of campus — from the main Quad area have two route options to get around Colton Chapel: Pardee/South or Van Wickle.
“All I’m saying is, Waze said the South way is quicker,” Fara Non ‘25 said.
Editor’s note: Who the fuck uses Waze?
To save future romantic endeavors, editors Cocaine Bear and slobweekenjoyer, both with a leg height of around 45 inches (at the hip bone) and pacing themselves to “Stayin’ Alive” by Bee Gees, timed their journey to the dining hall from the trashcans on the side of Pardee (yes, they really did this).
“T.B.H., I just really wanted to win,” said Bear, who has been an advocate of Van Wickle since Day One. “I like to win. I like winning. Yeah. Winning. Good stuff.”
“Sorry, where is Marquis again?” slobweekenjoyer asked.
After a breathtaking battle, Bear beat slobweekenjoyer to Marquis by less than a second: 3:17 to 3:18.
“I’ve lost all respect, sorry, this is absolutely rigged for money,” slobweekenjoyer said with a deep, heavy sigh. “I won’t be silent. Just saw it live sry.”
“RAHHHHHH,” Bear said.
There you have it folks, debate no more. Take the faster route and save yourself a spot or two in an abysmal dinner rush line if you get there after crew does!
“Do you think she’ll take me back if I was right?” Quee said.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
