Lafayette College President Nicole Hurd announced Thursday that, effective immediately, all empty administrative positions will be filled by a horse. The interim horse.
“What’s in motion is already in motion,” Hurd wrote in an email. “The Interim Horse is coming. There is nothing you can do.”
The interim horse could not be reached for comment. However, one visibly shaken administrator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, described the horse only as “having teeth.” When pressed for more details, the administrator simply whispered, “too many.”
It is unclear when the interim horse assumed its duties. Some faculty report having seen it standing silently in the provost’s office for months, its breath fogging up the glass. Others claim it has been here longer than the school itself. Since Tuesday, all emails to administrators have received an auto-reply with a single word: Neigh.
“The interim horse does not knock,” one staff member said. “He doesn’t need to. He’s already inside.”
The administration dismissed concerns raised by students about the horse’s sudden appearance, calling them “reactionary” and “uninformed.”
“The students who are complaining don’t understand the complexity of institutional leadership,” Executive Vice President for Finance and Administration Audra Kahr wrote in an email. “Also, they knew what they were risking when they questioned the horse.”
In recent weeks, the student-led group Pards Against the Horse has organized protests demanding transparency regarding the interim horse’s role on campus. The efforts of its members were briefly acknowledged in a statement from the administration, which read in full, “The Interim Horse sees you.”
Multiple members of the group have reportedly disappeared, according to messages sent in the now-deleted Pards Against the Horse GroupMe chat.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
