In a coordinated raid at Hogg Hall Interfaith Chapel Thursday evening, Public Danger apprehended dozens of students tied to an underground bullying network jointly orchestrated by leaders of The Happiness Project and Stress Less student organizations.
According to Director of Public Danger Jeffina Troxellina, the two clubs had been on Public Danger’s watch list since September 2024 after an anonymous “One Pard” tip alleged that a student had been coerced into joining the bullying network through “intense” name-calling, including insults such as “dumb-butt” and “weirdo face.”
Alleged victims also accused members of the underground network of numerous bullying incidents, including ruthless games of keep-away, unrelenting “yo mama” jokes and repeated wedgie and wet willy attacks.
“I was scared for my safety, my health, my future children for God’s sake,” said Harry Balz ‘28 while bending over to show reporters the accumulation of alleged wedgie scars he had down his backside.
In addition to 69 reports of physical harassment, the clubs are also being investigated for ties to cyberbullying on the anonymous social media platform YikYak, according to Troxellina.
“I totally crashed out last semester after some YikYak meanie ranked my frat, Zeta Zeta Zaddy, dead last,” Crai Baebee ‘27 said.
The exact motivation behind the establishment of the bullying network is yet to be confirmed, but circulating rumors suggest the club leaders were experimenting with new tactics for member recruitment.
“I maintain my complete innocence,” said Moe Lester ‘26, the president of The Happiness Project. “Bullying is just my love language.”
Several club leaders from Stress Less declined to comment, citing their wish to “meditate” on the subject first.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
