In place of ye olden Bon Appetit Murray’s Chicken, Parkhurst Dining has introduced an alternative, “Murray’s Mice,” after avian flu killed off all birds.
“Yeah, they’re all gone,” Chris Blahahahahaha, the resident district manager of Parkhurst, confirmed. “And we’re not allowed to serve rotting meat. Believe me, we’ve tried.”
Le Chef Oui Oui, a Marquis cook, said he was inspired to create Murray’s Mice when one of the approximately 10,000 mice that somehow still reside in the building fell into a pot of mush that was being prepared.
“Normally, I at least think about scooping them out,” he said. “But this time I thought, ‘what the hell. It can’t be worse than what we’re already serving.’”
Students seemed largely in favor of the new menu item.
“They ate,” Ian Bread ’28 said. “I ate.”
Those with infested dorms are encouraged to donate mice to Marquis Dining Hall. Kinda similar to Swipe to Forward, students who donate a mouse get a lucrative reward: 26 cents in Pard Dollars (non-tax-deductible).
“But put them in a bag or something first,” Blahahahahaha said. “Don’t just give us loose mice.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
