New “PDA Pods” were installed in Skillman Library and the lower atrium of Farinon College Center last week receiving glowing reviews from the campus community.

“We knew it was time when crusty white spots started appearing on the couches in Lower,” said Chastity Prudence, the resident sex therapist of Bailey Health Center.

The pods, vaguely resembling porta-potties, are made for rough sex. They are available for reservation on the Skillman study room website.

Shelly Bet ‘27 said she started advocating for this after a year of sexual dissatisfaction that she blames on the college.

“How are you ever supposed to get a little when you’re living in a triple in South?” Bet asked.  “Sometimes you just need a place to do hand stuff.”

Mike Hunt ‘27 said he supports the move because he watched his roommate fall victim to PDA this season with a girl he met in Colton Chapel.

“It started with handholding on the walks to class,” Hunt said. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Hunt explained that things quickly worsened, with “a little thigh touching in the common room” becoming “spooning in Lower” or “a quickie in the Leopard Lair.”

Vice President for Student Life Sar…uh Mushroomross wrote in an email that she is incredibly supportive of the new initiative.

“College is for exploration and Lafayette students have indicated that they want to explore each other’s bodies,” she wrote. “Besides, who doesn’t love lil’ afternoon delight in Skillman?”

Due to exorbitant demand, the reservation system crashed immediately.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.