A super bore: “Bathman v. Superman” is a full, drab and dark disaster

James Bickford

I have to say, I am really looking forward to the movie “Central Intelligence” with Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson. The trailer was really funny, and Hart and Johnson have such natural chemistry—I think the movie will be a big hit.

Why am I talking about the “Central Intelligence” trailer in a review of “Batman v. Superman”? Because that trailer was the only part of the entire movie-going experience that was even mildly entertaining.

As of this writing, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” has grossed over $500 million worldwide, a fact which proves that God both exists and despises us. If you pirate this film and don’t pay a cent for it, you have overpaid.

To clarify: “BvS” is nowhere near as awful as critics have been making it out to be. It is not, certainly, on the level of “Catwoman” on the list of worst superhero movies ever. No, the movie’s greatest sin is that it is really, really boring. The critical reaction is to be expected, as even at the most climactic moments in the film the only thing that they had to entertain themselves while they were trapped in that theater was the dream of ripping apart this dull, drab and dark piece of bat-guano when they got back to their offices.

The plot follows a character who dresses like Batman (Ben Affleck) and a character who dresses like Superman (Henry Caville) as they fight each other for really stupid reasons.

Wonder Woman is shoehorned in there for some ungodly reason, though she literally does nothing that advances the nonexistent plot and seems only to be there because Warner Brothers wants to rush out the “Justice League” movie next year.

The main villain is Jesse Eisenberg. Though he is playing Lex Luthor, Superman’s arch- nemesis, the real evil he inflicts is upon the poor, innocent, unsuspecting audience. Having clearly accepted that he will never win an Oscar, he seems to be making the best case he can for winning a Razzie.

In fairness, the movie has its good points. Ben Affleck, while not a very compelling Batman, is a very good Bruce Wayne, and Jeremy Irons excels as Alfred.

And that’s about it. Whoever had the idea to make Zack Snyder the director for this insult to cinema should be fired. And his or her replacement should fire Snyder. Am I seriously to believe that there were no better directors who wanted to work on a movie featuring the two most famous and beloved superheroes on the planet? Was Christopher Nolan busy? Is Spielberg unreachable? Does James Cameron not possess the fantastical imagination of Zack Snyder?

The special effects are an insult to the profession and deserve no mention, save for the fact that a $250 million blockbuster should have better special effects than “Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.”

“The Dark Night” trilogy was utterly fantastic. The Christopher Reeves “Superman” movies are really fun, even if they get kind of bad in a fun way by “Quest for Peace.” Hell, the “Hannah Montana” movie at least has a decent color palette to make it somewhat visually stimulating. “Batman v. Superman” is so pointlessly dark that I felt like falling asleep.

To anyone who wasted time, money or brainpower to seeing this movie, I weep for your souls. This is not the worst superhero movie of all time – just the most forgettably dull. Final score: 37/100