How do I meet new people?

Heads: Everyone in college wants to connect with new people. A good first step is to join clubs or ask your friends about their other circles, if applicable. Try making yourself more comfortable with the uncomfortable. Put yourself out there and accept the small wins as well as the losses. Positive energy attracts positive energy, so keep yourself happy!

Tails: You’d be shocked how many people want your number once you start selling drugs. 

Should I give up on this man?

Heads: Weigh the pros and cons. If you have communicated how you feel, it is not being reciprocated and it is emotionally taxing you too much … then you are probably better off finding someone who cares more about your feelings.

Tails: The formula for whether or not you should give up on a man is his tax bracket plus the length of his penis in inches, divided by how many girls are “like a sister to him.” Add a point if he’s been to therapy.

How do I stop drinking so much, blacking out and hooking up with random men?

Heads: Taking a break from drinking is not a big deal. Being unable to take that break is. Take the time to reflect on why you drink so much and get to the root of your feelings. Find safer spaces without alcohol, if necessary. Healthy relationships with alcohol and sex can exist.

Tails: Life is short. Sounds like we should get a drink sometime. 

I thought this guy liked me, but I saw him leave a party with another girl. What should I do?

Heads: Have you communicated exclusivity with him? If you haven’t, men are dumb and need things explicitly stated, so try not to hate him and go tell him how you feel. If you have and he is not committing, then find someone who deserves your attention.

Tails: If you see her on campus, loudly mention you heard he has herpes. If you see him on campus, sneakily tape a piece of paper with a scarlet letter “A” to his back. 

How do I tell my boyfriend that I don’t really want to introduce him to my parents?

Heads: Honesty is usually the best way to approach these things. If you try to cover up or bend the truth then they will eventually find out and be hurt, especially if this is long-term. If it’s because of your parents, your boyfriend should love you regardless. If it’s because of your boyfriend, maybe unpack that.

Tails: Have you considered utilizing trauma to your advantage? Maybe your parents made you walk on hot coals. Maybe they died on Disney’s Jungle Cruise ride in ’08. He doesn’t have to meet your parents if you don’t have any.