Photo by SEX GOD for The Lafayette

The biggest red flags on campus have a little secret.

Last week, The Scoffayette learned that the men’s lacrosse players are actually battery-operated bots. 

The tip came about after sophomore attack Slush SquarePants’s circuit box backfired and he threw sophomore midfielder Kronk FeeJee out the window of Milo’s. FeeJee’s head hit a rock, exposing a battery terminal in his head.

FeeJee has two percent shot accuracy.

“You would think that for being programmed, they would be better at lacrosse,” Director of Bailey Health Center Geffrey Joldstein wrote in an email.

FeeJee told The Scoffayette that he is fine sitting out the rest of the season while he waits on a new battery. 

“Lax isn’t really my thing, anyway,” FeeJee said. “I’d rather objectify women and indulge in bum.”

The mother of the player recalled that FeeJee often struck out in tee ball as a child and therefore he resorted to playing lacrosse. 

“Lacrosse is the only sport where a guy from a Virginia suburb can be the best in the world,” she said.

A member of the men’s baseball team who wishes to remain anonymous reached out to The Lafayette with his disdain for the lacrosse team. 

“They’re fucking sus,” the member said. “That’s why they can only say three words: hume, preesh and battery.”

FeeJee, who was sitting in line for the next interview, interjected. 

“Preesh for that, bro,” FeeJee said. 

A former friend of a lacrosse player reached out with an emotional testimony:

“He didn’t put effort into our friendship,” the anonymous interviewee said. “When I asked him about his day, all he said was ‘mossing.’ It wasn’t even worth trying to have a conversation.”

Sophomore attack Simpleton Schmibs said “EW!” during his interview, but otherwise declined to comment.

Golf Guru contributed reporting.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.