The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Student Government Budget Committee beat to death: Happiness Club, SMAC to blame


Photo by SEX GOD for The Lafayette

The Student Government office should reopen in two to four business days, once the clean up crew takes care of the blood.

Club budgets came out this past Friday and folks, it is not pretty.

Student Government Budget Committee members were found dead, beaten to death by unhappy club executive boards.

After a thoughtful four minutes of deliberation, the committee decided to allocate $3.42 to the Happiness Club and $0.51 to Student Movement Against Cancer (SMAC). It was clear that its priorities lay elsewhere, as the Spikeball Club was given a whopping $890,400.69. The German club was also funded in full, being granted $3 million dollars for who the hell knows what.

“I’m not shocked at all,” Allstu Dents ‘24 said. “Making logical, fair or reasonable decisions has never been Student Government’s strong suit.” 

The Student Government office in the Farinon basement is temporarily closed. However, no official police investigation will commence, as not a single person gives a fuck. 

“We were going to look into it, but we got over 200 letters in support of the murders,” President of Public Danger Teff Jroxxell said. “We want to listen to students, especially when they give us an excuse to not do our job.”

“Thank god somebody did it,” The Lafayette editorial board wrote in its letter to Public Danger.

The Budget Committee not only defunded the Least Read College Newspaper in Pennsylvania but also stole $3,000 from each of the editors’ personal bank accounts. 

Budget Committee members could not be reached for comment, as they were all pummelled to death. The rest of Student Government is on hiatus, resulting in literally zero changes to the amount of work it gets done.

Disclaimer: Nathan Kornfiend ’23, president of the German Club and editor-in-chief, was not allowed to even look at this article.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

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