The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Student Government Budget Committee beat to death: Happiness Club, SMAC to blame

The+Student+Government+office+should+reopen+in+two+to+four+business+days%2C+once+the+clean+up+crew+takes+care+of+the+blood.

Photo by SEX GOD for The Lafayette

The Student Government office should reopen in two to four business days, once the clean up crew takes care of the blood.

Club budgets came out this past Friday and folks, it is not pretty.

Student Government Budget Committee members were found dead, beaten to death by unhappy club executive boards.

After a thoughtful four minutes of deliberation, the committee decided to allocate $3.42 to the Happiness Club and $0.51 to Student Movement Against Cancer (SMAC). It was clear that its priorities lay elsewhere, as the Spikeball Club was given a whopping $890,400.69. The German club was also funded in full, being granted $3 million dollars for who the hell knows what.

“I’m not shocked at all,” Allstu Dents ‘24 said. “Making logical, fair or reasonable decisions has never been Student Government’s strong suit.” 

The Student Government office in the Farinon basement is temporarily closed. However, no official police investigation will commence, as not a single person gives a fuck. 

“We were going to look into it, but we got over 200 letters in support of the murders,” President of Public Danger Teff Jroxxell said. “We want to listen to students, especially when they give us an excuse to not do our job.”

“Thank god somebody did it,” The Lafayette editorial board wrote in its letter to Public Danger.

The Budget Committee not only defunded the Least Read College Newspaper in Pennsylvania but also stole $3,000 from each of the editors’ personal bank accounts. 

Budget Committee members could not be reached for comment, as they were all pummelled to death. The rest of Student Government is on hiatus, resulting in literally zero changes to the amount of work it gets done.

Disclaimer: Nathan Kornfiend ’23, president of the German Club and editor-in-chief, was not allowed to even look at this article.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

Leave a Comment
About the Contributors
Photo of Wage Yap
Wage Yap, Bell Bitch I

Wage yap is involved in nothing.

Photo of SEX GOD
SEX GOD, Susan Wild's #1 Fan

This probably isn't good for my digital footprint.

Navigate Left
  • During his time on the Shanghai Sharks, Scott T. Pippin was named Most Caring Player.

    Scoffayette

    Scott T. Pippin to take over as head men’s basketball coach

  • Please dont ask her if shes friends with ChatGPT. Thats racist.

    Scoffayette

    Hurd exposed as AI

  • Thank you rich donor!

    Scoffayette

    Alum donates millions to scholarship for straight white men

  • Kevin requires a diet of three small dogs per shift.

    Scoffayette

    Chi Phi party empty after no one solves their riddles three

  • Dance team poses after dropping sarin gas on innocent cheerleaders.

    Scoffayette

    Dance, cheer shut down due to war crimes

  • The former members of One Direction will speak on campus next month, provided any professors do not sell quirky female students with messy buns and sparkling blue orbs to them.

    Scoffayette

    New Wattpad writing major introduced

  • Milos Place is the new Sesame Place under Craig.

    Scoffayette

    Milo’s ends underage drinking

  • Letter from the Editor

    Scoffayette

    Letter from the Editor

  • Nicole Hurd with her Nicole Herd.

    Scoffayette

    Hurd says all administrators to be named Nicole by 2026

  • I paid $25 for this. (Anime girl courtesy of kochim on Fiverr)

    Scoffayette

    Student Couple Spotlight: A Farinon romance

Navigate Right

Comments (0)

All Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *