Last Tuesday, philosophy professors got into a violent brawl that resulted in two deaths and several casualties. 

“It got completely out of hand,” department head Professor Leo McOwen said. “We never intended for things to escalate to this level.”

The melee began when professors received information from Don Juan that he had come across a moral dilemma while choking down a chewy pancake in Miss Jackson’s earlier that morning. 

“I was eating a piece of bacon, and it was really delicious with that modern Southern twist,” Juan said. “And then I just started thinking, oh my god, like, the Trolley Stop Problem.”

Anyone with a general interest in philosophy has likely heard of the Trolley Problem. When given the opportunity to pull a lever that diverts a trolley from killing five people to another path where only one is killed, which answer is morally correct?

Don Juan takes a consequentialist approach to this dilemma.

“You have to think about the types of people that are on those tracks,” Juan said. “If the one person is about to apply for a job at Miss Jackson’s, I’m going to have to let the five people die, because that would maximize utility in the end.”

A memorial will be held at Milo’s next week. The first 200 people to arrive will receive free Jell-O shots in honor of the deceased upon showing that they have the Fizz app downloaded.