The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Powell to the people: U.S.A. takes on the Fins


Photo courtesy of

Team USA's goalie Quick lets in a goal by Russia's Datsyuk during the second period of their men's preliminary round ice hockey game at the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympic Games

You know how bronze medal winners are happier than the silver medal winners? Bronze winners feel like, “Yeah I made it!” Gold winners go, “Yeah I’m #1!” Leaving silver medalists saying, “Damn I almost had it,” after receiving a medal to lose. Well, everyone is happier than the people that get nothing, which is exactly what the U.S. hockey team got last week.

We got beat out for the third place spot by Finland out of all the countries. We were trounced 5 – 0 by a country whose people are named after the flappy parts of a fish.

The Fins suck so much that I’m finding it difficult to make jokes about them. Talking about their weather would be useless because everyone already knows it’s colder over there than Jack Frost’s testes. Their coat of arms is already an international joke. Their alleged “lion” looks like rabid water sloth with mange getting stabbed in the face.

It’s so bad I just spent a half hour making up an animal just to describe it. Their alcoholism isn’t even pervasive enough to be a solid identifier, like say Russia, so at this point it’s just a problem. This, and their made up words officially make them the rednecks of Europe.

There only meaningful contribution to society is their production of indestructible phones. I’m surprised the team made it that far in the contest. Between exposing themselves to each other at the local sauna, and hunting Santa’s reindeer for the late night munchies, when do they have time to practice?

All I’m trying to say is that, for the USA, it was a horrible Finnish to the Winter Olympic games.

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