The CDC has become the second federal agency to open an investigation into Lafayette College after Bailey Health Center reported an outbreak of men carrying around gallon jugs of water.
Mascullaguas brosis, the scientific name of the virus more commonly known as “celibacy,” is a highly contagious disease that primarily affects male athletes. Infected students are often referred to as “jug men.” Students are encouraged to stay indoors as much as possible to prevent the spread.
“They can be unpredictable,” Jeffrey Goldstein, the director of the health center, said of the jug men. “Do not go back to their dingle with them.”
Goldstein recommended that students avoid areas of common jug men sightings, such as Milo’s Place and 128 Cattell St.
The most visible symptom of the virus is the inexplicable and insuppressible urge to hold a gallon-sized carton of water at all times. Others report flu-like symptoms, alcoholism and the inability to get any hoes.
“I saw them through the health center window in the patient beds, curled up and desperately clutching their jugs like a stuffed animal,” Lima Balls ’27 said. “It was horrible.”
Several students, primarily female, complained that they had been recently accosted by a jug man.
“I was just trying to go to Wawa when a jug man spotted me from across the street,” Sorroh Ritigurl ’24 said. “He just kept asking ‘Do it jiggle?'”
“I-I just can’t stop,” an anonymous jug man said, staring woefully at the container in his hand. “Wait, did I see you at FIJI last night?”
Atlanta Lipkins ’26 contributed reporting.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
