Four Lafayette students vacationing in Maine for spring break decided to travel across the border for an academic and cultural experience unlike any other: purchasing Tim Hortons coffee.
“I thought I would be prepared because I played Division I field hockey,” said Rachel Homan ’25, who had never left suburban Philadelphia before this year. “But it’s one thing to learn about our neighbours to the north in class and another to actually visit a cultural Mecca such as Tim Hortons.”
From the moment the students pulled the hockey stick door handles to enter the New Brunswick Timmy’s, they were awestruck by the pure, exotic beauty of ***Canada*** : dutchies, Timbits and people with funny accents drinking Iced Capps in -2 °C weather.
“I went to Tim Hortons for a Double Double, but what I got instead was a real sense of … how do you say en anglais … community,” said Randy Ferbey ’26, who was inspired to pursue a curling major because of the trip.
Wayne Middaugh ’25, in a Zoom interview, said he was so moved by this experience that he decided to stay in Canada. At least I think that’s what he said.
« Aide-moi ! » he exclaimed. « J’ai été kidnappé par un troupeau d’orignaux ! Il ne me reste plus beaucoup de temps. Dites à ma mère que je l’aime et qu’elle est secrètement grand-mère depuis quatre ans. »
Students studying in the Bermuda Triangle could not be reached for comment.
rocktopussy and Carrie Ounbagh contributed reporting.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.