Leo Pard was walking across the Quad, his huge dump truck ass and giant dong straining in his Vineyard Vines shorts and his glorious twelve-pack peeking out from under his shirt, also Vineyard Vines. He was minding his own business and so was his voluptuous ass when he ran into his MORTAL ENEMY … Lee High Hawk!!!

“Hey dork,” Lee pushed Leo and he fell like a loser, but a sexy loser who’s not like other girls.

“How dare you! This shirt was $200 from the school store!!!” Leo was so offended that he almost pulled out his C+ Econ test and cried into it. But he needed to save it so his mom can put it up on their fridge later, so he didn’t.

Instead, Leo pushed Lee. Lee pushed him back. All of Leo’s clothes tore off, exposing his huge juicy fatty and beautiful abs and very impressive ten-incher.

“Oh no!! You exposed my biggest secret!!1!” Leo bemoaned. “My really awesome rockin’ bod!!!!!”

“Omg, you think YOU have a rockin’ bod??” Lee barked (or cacawed or whatever sound hawks make). He took his clothes off. Damn it!!! Lee was packing an eleven-inch dick and so much cake he could put a bakery out of business. He even had a thirteenth ab!

Leo wanted to insult Lee again but he was so mesmerized by his crazy hot body that he could feel his member swelling between his legs.

“No way bro are you getting a boner??” Lee shrieked.

Leo blushed. “N-No! Shut up!!!”

“Yeah right,” Lee cackled. “Anyways, wanna bang?”

Then they had awesome sex. Trust me, I’ve definitely had sex before but I’m not including a description because it would be so impressive that your brain would explode.

“I’m going to cum,” Leo ejaculated. And then he ejaculated.

“I can’t believe you fell for that!!” Lee roared with laughter. “Did you forget that you have a lacrosse game right now?”

Leo gasped and checked his watch. “No way!!!! Lafayette is going to lose without me! I can’t believe you did this…”

But what Leo didn’t know was that secretly Lee was just using that as an excuse … All’s fair in love and war … THE END.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.