This past weekend, two fraternities put forth their best beer pong duos to compete in the ultimate championship of tiny balls. However, everything changed for Chad Smaldic, Brad Muncher, Tyler Hump and Matt Myassurts when their real competition showed up to challenge the winner – the table tennis club.
“I didn’t even know we had a table tennis club,” junior VP of recruitment Muncher said. “Those guys are so legit, we gave them a bid halfway through them kicking our asses!”
The first match started with the Big Bro-Lil Bro match made in heaven of Muncher and sophomore pledge Smaldic up against the freshman-year roommates-turned-brothers seniors Hump and Myassurts.
It was a back-and-forth battle throughout the game, with both teams trading the lead and downing dirty cups of lukewarm beer. There was a brief intermission at halftime, as the national anthem (“Mr. Brightside”) played on AUX.
Just as Matt was about to sink the final cup, he was interrupted by four men holding pong paddles.
“Let us show you how it’s done,” a confident ping-ponger said.
Suddenly, it was all over for the fraternal boys as the real athletes took control of the pong table. These boys performed unlike anyone’s seen before, not even on a Tuesday night at Milo’s.
Following this victory, the future of the ping pong team looks bright. “We requested a party with the ping pong boys next weekend!” Hump’s sorority girlfriend said.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
