To the Lafayette community,

Since our power-hungry business manager sold the paper to Rupert Murdoch last week, we have decided to look inward and confront our flaws. That is why, effective immediately, The Scoffayette will only report the truth.

That’s right: the Parkhurst article WAS misinformation. No employees were ever verbally abused or denied breaks. That elderly dining employee never had her stool taken from her despite a doctor’s note – she actually ate the stool and assaulted her manager.

And while we’re at it, there is no turnover problem and tuition, at exactly 14 cents, is the lowest it has ever been in recorded human history.

Going forward, The Scoffayette will use Lafayette Communications as a journalistic model, highlighting only the positives of campus. No more interviews. No more cold calls. No more reporting on when the Student Government parliamentarian resigns. Only good, terrible journalism.

We apologize to the campus community for all the harm we’ve done. Perhaps you will forgive us if we put a sudoku in the next issue.

Sincerely,

The Scoffayette Editorial Board

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.