After a dismal start to the season, the baseball team has an exciting announcement. According to Head Coach Cracker Jack, the program has signed an exciting new prospect who is ready to make waves around the Patriot League.
Freshman Carlos joins the Maroon and White after a relatively unknown stint in his native California. When asked to reflect on his athletic development, he did not offer much detail.
“I am 18,” Carlos said.
The addition is a testament to the coaching staff’s wit and expertise, as they have had to pivot in the midst of an otherwise disappointing season.
Asked to reflect on the recruiting process, Coach Cracker Jack pointed to the unique nature of Carlos’ arrival.
“Convincing Carlos to come to Easton was actually the easiest part,” Coach Jack said. “He loved the food on campus, even though it made him crap his pants in the middle of the visit. But the registration process was difficult. Who knew that California birth certificates are biodegradable?”
Along with the standard four years of NCAA eligibility, Carlos has been granted extra seasons because of the COVID-19 pandemic, an athletic redshirt, the presidential election and the 2024 leap year.
As for Carlos’ teammates, they have welcomed him to College Hill with flexed arms.
“When I asked Carlos about his family, he said I could meet his wife and kids back in Ruef Hall,” junior Minnie Manhandle said. “That just shows how special this group of dudes is.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
