I forgot to get my girlfriend a birthday present. What should I do?

Heads: If you forgot and you still have time, just make something with a lot of love and thought behind it. It’s okay to do a very thoughtful card and a simple gift if you’re short on time or money. If you forgot and some time has passed … get on your knees and beg for forgiveness.

Tails: The ol’ dick-in-a-box, assuming you have a dick. If not, then I’m assuming you have the box pre-prepared.

I want to join a frat next semester, but which is the “top frat” or the optimal one to join?

Heads: Every frat has unique advantages. Sure, there are social hierarchies, but really the “top frat” is wherever you feel you belong. It sometimes happens that people get lost in worrying about what others consider “top” and end up not getting a bid anywhere. Try them all and find where you feel comfortable rather than letting others decide for you.

Tails: Unless your idea of fun is paying $1,000 on daddy’s credit card to drink punch mixed with pre-workout in an asbestos-filled basement and sing “Country Roads” with a bunch of guys who played JV during their senior years of high school, then the “optimal frat experience” is to transfer. Sorry, you’re not at Bama, bud.

What should I do if I want to start an advice column?

Heads: Just ask the newspaper crew! They make themselves very available through email and would love to hear any interest you have in writing. If not an advice column, there are many opportunities for contributing writers.

Tails: Sleep with a managing editor. 😉