Students clamor for working ice cream machine in Upper Farinon while Lafayette razes entire block of College Hill

Uproar on Lafayette’s campus continues as the College plans to steamroll another city block despite students begging the senior administration for a working soft serve ice cream machine in the Upper dining area.

Students remain staunchly opposed to the 18-million-dollar capital project while they continue to wait for an ice cream machine that isn’t out of service during the vast majority of meals.

“It is part of our job as college administrators to respectfully listen to all concerns from the campus community and ultimately plod along towards a solution until people forget about the initial issue,” said President Alison Byerly.

As with the current soft serve machine, which last functioned properly in September 2015, students have asked for staple flavors like creamy vanilla, chocolate chip and twist, instead of the College doling out more money from their 420-million-dollar fundraising campaign to build another parking deck behind Markle.

“All I want is to have a thick vanilla and chocolate swirl at the end of a long day of classes, so my parents feel like they’re getting value out of this 70-thousand-dollar semester,” said sophomore Dean Jenkins.

Byerly also confirmed that the College would move forward with plans to demolish the Watson Courts and construct a four-story dormitory complete with a nightclub and rotating planetarium, despite a petition from students begging to be given permission to print documents from their personal computers in Skillman library.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.