The Lafayette Newspaper staff is under investigation for hazing allegations. The allegations, alleged by new members, include forcing writers to stay up late on consecutive days and forcing them to text potential interviewees who have no intention of responding.

When Public Safety was alerted of the hazing allegations, two maskless officers immediately made their way to the newsroom in Farinon only to find two groggy freshmen locked in the room working on articles. The writers claimed they had been in the room for two days.

The most disturbing aspect of these allegations is that writers were deprived of their most basic need: caffeine. The newsroom coffee pot has not worked in years, and writers are expected to work day and night on stories with absolute no vehicle for pure, unbridled energy.

When asked why The Lafayette newspaper would go to such great lengths to haze new members, sports editor Craig Barbaro was quick to comment.

“As one of two sports editors for a small liberal arts college newspaper, you have no idea the pressure and frustration I endure on a weekly basis,” Barbaro stated. “Taking this frustration out on new members is one of the easiest ways for me to instantly feel better.”

Barbaro also repeatedly claimed he felt he did nothing wrong and sees no reason for punishment.

“If anything, I am preparing them for a career in college news reporting,” Barbaro said. “Half the players I reach out to do not respond and the other half that do direct me to their faculty contact. Mind you, all of the teams combine for about 10 wins each season.”

These allegations are being taken extremely seriously by Lafayette’s staff and we expect to see consequences for this gross behavioral misconduct by 2025.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.