The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

North Korean leader submits perfect March Madness bracket

It seems like the impossible task of guessing all 63 NCAA tournament basketball games is impossible no more.

In what will likely go down as the biggest report to come out of Pyongyang since North Korea’s FIFA World Cup victory in 2010, reports from the North Korean capital show that Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has correctly predicted all 60 March Madness games as of Friday night.

The odds of guessing the entire bracket correctly are undoubtedly astronomically high.

Statisticians have determined that you are more likely to win the Powerball, locate sasquatch or discover that Officer 70 has a soul, than predict a perfect NCAA bracket.

But the Kim family is no stranger to impossible odds. The late Kim Jong-il, the previous leader of North Korea and father of Kim Jong-un, once recorded a 34 on an 18-hole golf course, draining 11 holes-in- one in the round. And calm down, skeptics, because 17 of Jong-il’s security guards swear that he did it.

Kim Jong-il is also reported to have been born divinely, allegedly under a double rainbow and a glowing star and claims that he does not defecate like normal human beings, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s not forget about the topic at hand, which is Jong-un’s impeccable knack for predicting college basketball games.

According to various reports, BasketballHour has asked the Supreme Leader to appear on next year’s Selection Sunday Bracketology show.

Of course Jong-un wouldn’t be the first world leader to appear on a March Madness special. For the last eight years, BasketballHour has famously featured Barack Obama’s March Madness picks in their annual segment “Barack-etology.”

“We knew we would only get either four or eight years out of ‘Barack-etology,’” host of the show Jeff Tiger said. “But Kim Jong-un has no term limit, so we can have him on the show for decades.”

News24/7 asked presidential candidates to comment on the possibility of Jong-un’s picks appearing on BasketballHour instead of theirs if they are elected. GOP candidate Donald Trump weighed in, ridiculing the idea of featuring Jong-un’s bracket over his.

“Nobody makes better brackets than me—believe me,” Trump said. “I should be on BasketballHour because that Jong-un guy doesn’t have a clue. And he’s from North Korea, which is a great country, and I really love North Korea, and North Koreans love me. But I have seen millions and millions of basketball games, and I will find the best people to build a great, great bracket for BasketballHour. The big liar Obama picked Kansas this year, and they were a complete disaster this year. Mark my words, I will make Bracketology great again.”

Jong-un is reportedly leaning towards declining the offer from the show. With an ego that rivals Kanye West’s, Jong-un stated that if his bracket went public too early then everyone would simply copy him.

We will have to wait and see how Jong-un’s picks fare in this weekend’s Final Four, which will feature Villanova facing off against Oklahoma and North Carolina battling Syracuse for spots in the National Championship game.

And I understand that writing this article puts me at some risk by some powerful authorities, so excuse me while I go into hiding from Public Safety for that Officer 70 comment. So I better go contest my unpaid parking ticket before this gets published.

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