It’s Dette here. Your favorite uncertified, unreliable expert ready to answer the questions you submitted on Instagram about all things love, crayons and deli meat. You have questions, I have answers (kind of).

Hi Dette, I have a problem. My girlfriend won’t eat red meat but I’m a meat lover. Please advise.

I’m not sure I understand your problem. Why are you eating meat that is red? That’s raw! Your first worry should be getting salmonella. Next question. 

What should I do with my significant other for Valentine’s Day in Easton?

My first thought: the Crayola Factory. Make your own crayons, hold hands in the food court. I can’t think of anything else more romantic. But if you’re boring and want your partner to break up with you, dinner downtown is always a good option. Or if you have social anxiety like me, a good move is to get takeout from a place downtown, haul it up the hill and then watch a movie (preferably “Surf’s Up,” the one with the surfing penguins). It’s also a law that you win Valentine’s Day if you get churros from Don Juan.

What is your love language?

Words of affirmation. Please be nice to me (as opposed to being mean)! That’s really all it takes, unfortunately. I also value and freak out at cute, sentimental gifts. One time my friend brought me a leaf she found outside that was in the shape of a heart and I loved it so much I taped it to my wall. That’s not excessive, right?

What’s the best lunch meat?

Turkey, easy. Silly of you to even ask that. What does this have to do with Valentine’s Day?

How can I find love on such a small campus?

This is grossly cliche of me to say, but love will show up when you least expect it! Just relax, pet some campus dogs or stray cats, play some Tinder roulette and one day, before you know it, you are going to be standing at the altar. It’s a simple formula. 

How do you define love?

To me, love is comfort, whether that be romantic or platonic. I define it as feeling comfortable enough to be my true self with people that mean a lot to me. In my case, that means being able to send an excessive amount of videos of capybaras jumping in the water without them blocking me on all platforms.