Student Couple Spotlight: A Farinon romance

I+paid+%2425+for+this.+%28Anime+girl+courtesy+of+kochim+on+Fiverr%29

I paid $25 for this. (Anime girl courtesy of kochim on Fiverr)

Introducing the Student Couple Spotlight! Each week, we will be profiling an interesting couple that Yik Yak says partakes in too much PDA. This week, our subjects are Seymour Green ‘23 and a quiet girl who the Yak said goes only by RVM.

“She was just oh so elusive. I mean, she was tempting me for months,” Green said of his girlfriend.

RVM is on the younger side for Green, who noted that it is only her first year on campus – “but something about those squared-off rosy cheeks just made me swoon each time I passed by her in Farinon.” 

This love, he feared, went unrequited, but with his time at Lafayette running out, Green knew he had to score with the only girl of her kind in all of Pennsylvania.

“I stayed up all night waiting to approach her,” Green said. “There she was, glowing. With the mood just right, I knew it was my time to shine.”

The encounter apparently went well.

“I walked up to her and confessed my undying love – nay, lust – and to my surprise, the feeling was mutual,” Green said. “Elated, I pulled down my pants and did the deed.”

For the duration of the interview, Green played coy about the identity of the mystery lady. It wasn’t until The Scoffayette threatened to out him as a Fizz moderator that Green finally fessed up.

“Fine, I’ll admit it,” he said. “I’m fucking the reverse vending machine.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.