The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Alum donates millions to scholarship for straight white men

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Photo by SEX GOD for The Lafayette
Thank you rich donor!

Last week, Lafayette alumni John Kirby III ‘69 donated a $420 million gift to the college. Kirby, who made his fortune manufacturing shackles for child slaves, asked that the gift go toward creating a scholarship for what he considers to be the most oppressed group right now: straight white men.

“It’s so hard for people like me in the current political climate,” Kirby said. “The woke liberal mob has gone insane. I mean, God forbid you accidentally let a racial slur slip out in conversation.”

Kirby is a self-made entrepreneur who started his first business when he was only 17, equipped only with a dream, a can-do attitude and a small loan from his parents of $5 million.

“This is why Lafayette is an ‘and’ school,” an upper-level administrator who wished to remain anonymous said. “For example, we encourage that students become billionaires and donors to Lafayette.”

The scholarship is already making a difference. Its benefactors have used money from the fund to pursue their dreams, such as by visiting Cancun over spring break, replenishing Vineyard Vines collections and buying textbooks for econ class.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

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    Jeff KirbyApr 3, 2023 at 11:05 am

    Am a bit concerned that the author apparently does not know the difference between “alumni” and “alumnus” or between “benefactors” and “beneficiaries”. Otherwise, this piece was quite entertaining. Of course, it stands in satirical contrast to the family that recently donated a portrait of Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the College, itself following the donation of Thurgood Marshall’s portrait.

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