Chi Phi party empty after no one solves their riddles three


Photo by SEX GOD for The Lafayette

Kevin requires a diet of three small dogs per shift.

Tumbleweeds rolled through the Chi Phi basement last Saturday as their late-night party went entirely unattended due to the presence of a new type of strict security — a twelve-foot-tall, green bridge troll.

“There’s too much coke for us to snort, so we let the bridge troll guard our fort,” Chi Phi brother Ky Phy ‘23 said.

“Only the cleverest can enter here to grind on our bros and drink our beer,” chapter president Kai Fye ‘24 added.

Potential partygoers were less than pleased with the new development. “I used to just have to charm a guy from my econ class to get in, but now there’s this troll asking me about the curse of my ancient forefathers,” former Chi Phi sweetheart Kyette Phyette ‘23 said. “It’s sort of a bummer.”

“When I first saw him, I was like ‘Slay, they’re finally diversifying their pledge class,’ but now he kind of freaks me out,” she continued.

“Our fest was bland with not a hoe in sight. We hope to try again on Friday night,” social chair Qui Fi ’24 said.

“I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN GOD. I HOLD THE FATE OF MEN IN MY PALMS,” the bridge troll, whose name is Kevin, bellowed into the night.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.