The dance and cheer teams were shut down by the athletic department last week after their tension-filled regional conflict finally came to a head with the introduction of chemical weapons.
“We are calling on the Pentagon and the American government to aid us in our fighting against the imperialist cheerleading team,” dance team captain Robin Pecknold said.
The teams have been at each other’s throats for years as they fought for the attention of the five fans who came to the basketball games, but the dispute reached a new level last month when a carpet bomb went off inside the Kirby Sports Center during the dance team’s practice. The cheerleading team did not claim responsibility for the attack.
Tensions later rose when three cheerleaders walking to practice witnessed two dance team members graffitiing anti-cheer rhetoric on their locker room wall.
Both groups have now resorted to drastic measures in order to deter the other side from retaliating.
“We have just completed a successful test on our nuclear capabilities and if the dance team continues to use this offensive language we will have no choice but to continue testing,” Hayden Anhedönia, the cheer captain, said in a statement to the press on Monday.
This seemingly did not deter the dance team; sarin gas was dropped on the cheerleading team’s practice on Wednesday.
“Yeah I don’t know who those bitches are or why they hate each other, I kind of just want them to get out of the way so I can watch the game,” one attendee of the women’s basketball playoff game said.
The athletic department is still fearful of further attacks.
“When groups are kicked off campus at Lafayette College, they seem to become a lot more culturally relevant,” Athletic Director Fred I. J. Inonoa said.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
