Photo by meowmeowmeow for The Lafayette

Milo’s Place is the new Sesame Place under Craig.

Milo’s Place Bar has reported record-low rates of underage drinking since the establishment brought on a new employee last week.

“Now, every person entering Milo’s goes through our new bouncer, Craig,” the owner said. “Craig’s tough shit. He’s a real quiet guy, doesn’t talk much, but I’ve seen him take some serious verbal abuse without flinching and he’s got these sunglasses that he wears all the time – it really intimidates the kids.”

When The Scoffayette asked Craig, who prefers to communicate through grunts and hand gestures, about his qualifications for the job, he simply shrugged and held up a sign that read “I’m a people person.”

“I was told my whole life that I wouldn’t make it in the bouncer industry,” Craig, who is deaf and blind, wrote. “Look at me now, mum!”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.