Director of Athletics Frida Semen has announced that Mr. Scott T. Pippin will be taking over as head coach of the men’s basketball team after former head coach Mike Jordan was fired.
Pippin, a six-time Chinese Basketball Association champion with the Shanghai Sharks, spent most of his playing career alongside Jordan. Interestingly, the pair were known to feud inside the locker room.
“They glorified Mike Jordan while not giving nearly enough praise to me and my proud teammates,” Pippin said in a recent interview.
Semen simply could not contain her excitement upon the arrival of the new head coach.
“When we hired Mike Jordan last year, we did not have him bring his resume in,” she said. “With a name like that, it just wasn’t necessary. Since then, however, we have raised the standard. Not only did Scott bring his resume in, but he was also able to crumple the paper and successfully sink it into the trash bin. It was a great jump shot and a special moment for the program.”
Additionally, when asked how he would treat the team members, Pippin said that he would give each player a smooch on the forehead every night.
“Personally, I hope he also tucks the homies into bed before big games,” team member Steve N. Currie ’25 said.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
