Students living in Lafayette’s modular housing got a little more than they bargained for when they consumed some of the mushrooms that have been growing in their shared bathrooms for months.
“Facilities told me I’ve hit the maximum number of work orders for the year, so I told my residents to start looking at it as a positive,” mods resident advisor Skrew Dover ’24 said. “If you think about it, it’s free food we don’t have to use a meal swipe for.”
Disaster struck after the students participated in a building-wide program during which they made dinner out of the mushrooms. “I thought it tasted pretty good,” Dover said. “A little soapy, but not the worst thing I’ve had on campus.”
Just minutes later, however, students began to feel the adverse effects.
“I started hallucinating,” mods resident N. E. Hole ’25 said. “I was having this vision that I was in Upper and I couldn’t get anything but white rice. I would go fill up my plate with different stuff, but when I got back to my table, it was always just a mound of white rice as tall as my head.”
Another student who wished to remain nameless woke up 12 hours after the dinner dangling from the Pardee flag pole in a marching band uniform.
According to Bailey Health Center, if you begin hallucinating after consuming mods mushrooms, you should “tell the Hat Man that Dr. Goldstein says hello.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
