Movie columnist assassinated by political dissident


Photo by SEX GOD for The Lafayette

Just another ‘woke’ idi*t trying to piss on a great movie with his b.s.

Tragedy struck The Scoffayette newsroom when beloved movie columnist Kilometers Tiger ‘23 was killed by a member of the Cinematic Collective Party (CCP).

Tiger had recently been assigned a full-time bodyguard after receiving multiple death threats regarding his negative review of “Elvis.”

The troubling messages came after Tiger raised concerns about the depiction of the relationship between Presley (an entire adult) and his girlfriend-turned-wife, Priscilla (a child; like, actually the age of a freshman in high school).

The CCP member, understandably enraged when a college student with absolutely no ties to Hollywood revealed he did not jizz every time he thinks about a man who died in 1977, traveled over 1,000 miles from his mother’s basement to complete the act.

Tiger was found with synthetic fibers from a black wig in his throat and particles of blue suede under his fingernails, leading some to question if Presley himself rose from the grave to get his revenge.

This was not the case, however — the culprit was merely a rabid fan. The suspect was heard screaming “THIS IS FOR ELVIS” as he ran from the newsroom dressed in full costume.

When reached for comment on the situation, “Elvis” actor Austin Butler deep-throated his microphone for the duration of the interview.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.