The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Capybara infestation on campus, too cute to mitigate

Photo by SEX GOD for The Lafayette
Check in with your friends to make sure they’re not secretly three capybaras in a trench coat.

A deep cloud shrouded Lafayette’s campus in darkness last night. Suddenly, as if delivered from the gods, a capybara emerged. 

A moment later: another capybara. And another. And another? One’s wearing a dress? HOLY SHIT WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CAPYBARAS????? 

Wait they’re sooooooooooooooo cute.

It was confirmed this morning that Lafayette is experiencing a capybara infestation. It is unknown where the capybaras came from. An anonymous source said that the brothers of Chi Beta Phi planted them to distract administration from the Bridge Troll they just hired. 

The infestation has sent campus into chaos. Capybaras have taken seats in the Racial and Ethnic Minorities in U.S. Politics class and taped the old students’ bodies to the ceiling.

“MMM MMM HElpMMMMMMm,” Trebor Maitin ’24 said from the duct tape.

“They have some really great ideas, for rodents. I think they solved racism in there,” Some Bald White Professor said.

In the paper’s weekly interview with Kamala Harris, she said that nothing will be done to fix this issue at the current moment because they are “adorable little muffin princesses.”

“They just have the silliest little faces and the cutest little button noses and the softest babiest little fur,” President of Public Danger Teff Jroxxell said.

Maitin is currently still taped to the ceiling of Kirby Hall of Civil Rights. The capybaras have been blocking the door with their strong, muscular, adorable, cutesweetamazingincredibleenchantingsillycupcake bodies.

“We’ll get Trebor out when the capybaras want to get Trebor out,” Harris said.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

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