The bespectacled members of the new English honors society, Sigma Tau Delta, were given a scare during their Monday meeting when Lafayette Reproductive Something or Other, or L-RAJE, burst through the door screaming and wielding giant condoms.
“One minute I was fantasizing about having fictional sex with a fictional man, the next I was on the floor with an IUD shoved into my mouth,” Sigma Tau Delta member Jane Austen ‘25 said, shuddering at the memory.
After waterboarding several poor souls with spermicide, the L-RAJE members looked around and realized their mistake: they had interrupted an assembly not of personified sexually transmitted diseases but of the bookish members of a group with the unfortunate initials “STD.” Embarrassed, L-RAJE members hung up their cervical caps and called it a day.
In an email, Sigma Tau Delta president Char Elsdickens wrote that club members “are unsure why L-RAJE decided to pursue public blaming and shaming as a primary method to move this meaningful and important review forward.”
“We’d barely even gotten into our meeting,” Elsdickens said. “We were going to talk about the tempestuous love affair between God and Satan in ‘Paradise Lost’ and listen to Hozier on repeat. It was totally going to be a blast.”
Soon after the botched storming, L-RAJE released a personal apology to Sigma Tau Delta on social media.
“We are deeply saddened and mortified by our mistake and pledge to do better when mixing up our acronyms,” the group wrote. “We wish the members of Sigma Tau Delta a swift recovery from any sustained spermicide injuries. #VaginaPower.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
