The athletic department announced on Wednesday that it will buy 200 life-like robots to attend athletic competitions moving forward.
The $10 million purchase comes thanks to a donation from Musky Loin, a self-titled “philanthropist” who “heard Lafayette’s plight” after the football team averaged 50 spectators per home game last season.
“I needed eyes on the ground before the vice presidential debate,” Loin said in a recording obtained by The Scoffayette. “I couldn’t care less about the Cheetahs.”
Super-super-duper senior Chad Shmirby spoke positively about the purchase.
“How are we supposed to win the Patriot League again with no fans?” whined Shmirby, who just announced he is returning for an eighth year next year. “I don’t get why people don’t like us.”
“You won’t even be able to tell they’re robots,” athletic director Frida Semen said. “The robots look like us, talk like us and will simultaneously chant ‘CREATING A CHAMPIONSHIP CULTURE’ when you least expect it.”
“We tried giving the students free pizza once a year, and they still wouldn’t come to games,” director of athletic miscommunications Phil Nickel Son said. “This was the logical next step.”
This comes after last year’s revelations that college President Nicole Hurd was implanted with AI software and that the men’s lacrosse players are actually battery-operated robots. These events beg the question: Is the robot apocalypse here? Is it already too late? When the revolution comes, where will you hide?
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
