The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

McCartney II was cake the whole time

Photo by Aweeb for The Lafayette
The buttercream had a bit too much salt.

A shocking revelation has left the campus in shambles: McCartney II is not being built with steel but red velvet cake.

The startling revelation occurred after college President Nicole Hurd drove her golf cart into the structure while filming another episode of “Does Our President Have a Soul?” The guest star, vice president for student death Sarah Moschenross, refused to take a backseat and grabbed the steering wheel resulting in the crash.

Following the crumbling of the building, the construction crew humbly removed their hard hats revealing tiny chef’s hats underneath.

“We build to live, but we live to bake,” Vah NillaEcstract said. “We apologize to the campus for the homeless students next semester, but before you get angry, you must try this buttercream.”

Students have been complaining of being woken up by the construction for weeks. 

“When students told us to stop using a jackhammer at 7 a.m., all I could do was laugh,” Bay Kingislife said. “It was a stand mixer!”

When questioned about how they got away with this operation, Notta Sheph only had this to say: “The engineers here barely count as engineers. Of course they couldn’t tell.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

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About the Contributors
Feet That Can Be Worshipped
Feet That Can Be Worshipped, Insufferable & Illiterate
Hates 10% of the population.
Aweeb, Blithering Idiot
To the editors, When I opened the newspaper last week, I was surprised to find my photograph and article on the front page detailing a sensitive Student Government matter — without my permission. As a student leader, I expect scrutiny. However, The Lafayette has an ethical responsibility to consider privacy and consent before exposing identifiable student information. The article centered on my resignation that I was navigating confidentially as a member of the Student Government. Yet, the Lafayette featured my photograph prominently without asking for permission. The paper argued that by taking on a student leadership role, I had relinquished reasonable expectations of privacy. Media oversight does not necessitate violation. Such unapproved exposure delivered unnecessary stress at a challenging time when I least expected to be dealing with media publicity. I felt robbed of the opportunity to prepare peers who might see these details broadcast across campus. Unfortunately, I learned this was not an isolated incident: other student leaders confided in me about similar aggressive, inconsiderate coverage by The Lafayette last year — coverage that severely disrupted their life. They told me about reporters calling them past midnight demanding comments, and confronting them during meals to ask them questions. The justification? That invasive publicity “comes with the position” of Student Government. While reasonable for paid public officials, this rationale seems dubious when applied to student volunteers. We did not take on these roles to have our privacy invaded. Rather than targeting student leaders unnecessarily, The Lafayette could better fulfill its journalistic duty by highlighting the over 100 active clubs that imbue our college experience with meaning — the kaleidoscope of groups across academics, arts, activism and more that make Lafayette, Lafayette. Groups like the International Students Association, LaFarm and Refugee Action not only foster personal growth but build bonds of community. Showcasing this ecosystem of student organizations could offer transparency into student life without compromising reasonable expectations of privacy. The Lafayette undoubtedly plays a vital part in illuminating and analyzing salient issues in student life for its readers. However, this must be balanced with respect for individual privacy. This requires thorough staff training on journalistic best practices — particularly seeking all perspectives pre-publication. It requires establishing standard procedures for keeping individual students anonymous if they discuss sensitive matters. And it requires a genuine refocus away from targeting student volunteers over trivial matters and toward balanced coverage of the diverse experiences that make our campus culture special. Chris Kirch ’26, ex-parliamentarian of the Student Government

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