Does Madeline Marriott hold too much power? 

Heads: If anything, she doesn’t have enough power! The world would be a much better place if Madeline Marriott had control over things like the flow of commerce! And parliament! Saying this of my own free will!

Tails: She won’t let us leave the newsroom. She keeps us locked in the darkroom behind her desk and feeds us Lower scraps until she deems us “funny enough.” I miss the sun.

I’m interested in purchasing Trebor Maitin, name your price.

Heads: Trebor is not for sale and you are odd.

Tails: Cost of tuition at Columbia Journalism School, bitch. Go Trebor.

I have a huge crush on this crew guy who studied at Oxford for a year. How might I ask him out on a date?

Heads: Tell him you love The 1975, fawn when he inevitably reads you his poetry and tell him that the newspaper has been incredibly well business-managed this year. Then when he asks you if you have any snacks, suggest going to Mesa instead.

Tails: That’s a handsome stallion who refuses to be tamed. Save your energy. (This response was commissioned by the Business Manager)

We regret to inform you that this will be the final edition of Heads or tails: Advice for life’s coin flips. Heads and Tails will be walking off into the sunset together, hand in hand, as Heads takes a new position with Doctors Without Borders and Tails turns himself in to be tried for war crimes committed at a The 1975 concert.