The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Recently retired head coach Frank Tavani actually fired for being a flat-earther

Former Lafayette football head coach and flat-earther Frank Tavani (Courtesy of Hana Isihara ’17).

In a Galilean development, sources have told The Lafayette that former football coach Frank Tavani was fired after a heated argument with Athletic Director Steven Spheresberg over whether the Earth was flat or not.

The source said the altercation occurred when Spheresberg bought Tavani a globe in recognition of his 30 years of coaching with the college. Tavani – unconcerned with a globe being a terrible gift – was irate with Spheresberg, calling the gift a “joke” and a “fake representation of reality.”

A recent trend, flat-earthers are those that believe the Earth is a flat plane with Antarctica being the edge. There is significant evidence in support of the idea, according to professors on campus.

“Haven’t you ever wondered why the horizon is flat regardless of how high you stand off the ground?” geology professor Roxi Stones said. “There are too many unexplained questions.”

“Tavani went into this long explanation about how if airplanes fly straight, why don’t they just continue into space,” Spheresberg said. “He tried to say that if the planet was round, people in the southern hemisphere would fall off the Earth. I honestly couldn’t tell what the hell was going on.”

Spheresberg said that he tried to reason with Tavani, but he was having none of it.

The argument escalated to a point where the two could be heard in the Bourger Varsity Football House from the other side of Fisher Field, according to witnesses.

“At one point, he jumped up and down and said that ‘If the Earth was rotating, why am I in the same spot when I land?’” Spheresberg said. Stones went back to her office at this point.

Tavani threw the globe through McCutcheon’s office window and that’s when he decided to terminate the long-time coach’s contract.

“He got really angry, picked up the globe and yelled, ‘F— your sphere,’ and threw it through the window,” said McCutcheon. “I’m still picking up pieces of glass in my office.”

The Lafayette reached out to Tavani for comment, but he was unavailable.

Written by Ken Bone, Jr. ’16

Editor’s note: This article is part of The Scoffayette, our satire April Fool’s edition.

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  • D

    David HicksMar 31, 2017 at 5:05 pm

    I believed the earth was a ball until 3 weeks ago. I’m 45 years old, and laughed when I first heard flat earth, but once I looked at the evidence I then quickly changed my belief to now believing we live on a flat earth, the evidence is that convincing to me. Only thing is, its still hard for even me to believe at moments, so the coach could have tried to be more understanding that the athletic director might NEVER come to accept any facts that directly conflict with a core belief that athletic director holds. I understand the coaches passion about flat earth though, in my mind it has changed my entire belief system.

    What got me is the fact that multiple youtube experiments that show water is flat over long distances 31.6 miles and longer, while over that distance there should be around 650 feet of curvature (water bending), thats just the tip of the iceberg regarding evidence. Look into it for yourself and make up your own mind.

    • K

      KenAug 4, 2021 at 11:41 pm

      The article is supposed to be a joke but it just shows the mass societal brainwashing. Very easy to take pictures over lakes and oceans that are geometrically impossible on the cartoon ball earth for babies. Its also impossible to have atmosphere or pressure next to the vacuum of space without a barrier. The gullible low IQ human is a sickness that is taken advantage of by those in power.