The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Humanities depts make sciences pay to build wall around themselves


Divisiveness on campus reached a peak when humanities departments announced they would follow through on plans to build a 40-ft. impenetrable wall around the natural science departments.

“Interdisciplinary mingling has reached its limit. Lafayette has for too long lost its liberal arts identity to Acopian pencil-pushers and Hugel beaker-chuggers,” English professor Immanuel Garcia said. Garcia had promised to stop the decline of humanities with a wall to keep out the “engi-sneers.”

“All the college’s resources – and now a $75 million science center – have been allocated toward the sciences and engineering, while the humanities, the classics and cornerstones of education, have been both constrained and forgotten,” Garcia said.

“Besides,” Garcia added, “I never liked these science nerds anyways. They smell bad.”

Biology professor William Nye smelt similar sentiments towards his newfound “enemy.”

“The humanities doesn’t add no progress,” he said. “What are poems ever going too contribute? It’s like reading someone’s diary.”

Garcia retorted, saying “Well then, if you make so much money, then you’re gonna build it.”

Nye said engineers would want to build it, just like they built the replica of the Free Bridge on the Quad.

Garcia snorted.

Nye said, “Fine.”

Garcia also said, “Fine.”

The wall itself will be around Kunkel, Hugel, Acopian and the site of the new science center. Atop the cinder block structure will be two rows of barbed wire, “just for precaution,” Garcia said, who added that Watson will have to be sacrificed.

While this gap is widening exponentially, President Alison Byerly is looking at ways to reunite the two sides, but has refused to meet with the humanities department to discuss the reallocation of funding.

“The classics will always be there, but the sciences are always changing,” she said. “More science leads to more jobs, and ultimately that’s what I should do as president. Ensure jobs our students. The sciences are going to be huge, and are student’s are going to be great. It’s all going to be huge and great, believe me.”

Byerly however, is letting the construction commence.

“Look, not a lot of people will say this. But if the humanities feels a threat, they should protect their borders,” she said. “And if the sciences are paying for it and not the college’s own money, good. People are saying it’d be great, even. The best deal.”

Written by Open Bone ’20

Editor’s note: This article is part of The Scoffayette, our satire April Fool’s edition.

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