The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Love letters from Ana: To The Unreciprocated Love


By Anastasia Gayol Cintron ‘17 | Arts Editor

Coming to realization that you might be crushing on that guy who regularly wakes and bakes on the Ramp and wears the same corroding Patagonia everyday shows an unbelievable amount of strength especially if this love goes unreciprocated.

And what do I mean by unreciprocated love, my little lovebird? I mean that either the person you love knows how you feel and doesn’t quite care (don’t worry, you aren’t wasting your time at all) or this person does not know how you feel and you refuse to let them know (thatta girl, play hard to get.) Either way, there are a few ways I’ve found to ensure that your man falls for your feminine wiles.

If you don’t know your future lover so well, be sure to stalk the crap out of him on Facebook. This way you get to know him on a deeper level. Levels which include but are not limited to, his political views, religious views, favorite TV shows (a list he probably hasn’t updated since the eighth grade, and probably includes Ned’s Declassified) past girlfriends, past boyfriends, what his parents look like, his dominant and recessive genes (better if you can sneak into his doctor’s office and steal his medical file!), etc. In this day-and-age there isn’t even a real need to talk to him face-to-face. Lucky you!

If he doesn’t have a Facebook, make one for him. Take a pixelated close-up of him eating lunch at Lower, for example. An ideal profile picture. Take a Snapchat selfie with him in the background with the photo caption “my one true love” for a cover photo. Be sure that despite what you know about him, you create his profile how you see him: perfect, single, philanthropist, favorite movie: Crazy, Stupid, Love.

The next thing I would suggest is becoming friends with people who know him so you can ask for his number. Once you have his number you’re golden. Now you can spend your days refreshing your messenger app and texting him “accidently on purpose” or about what the homework was for that class you’re in together. Sure, it also might be on Moodle, but why would he know that?

The next step is a very important one. After rigorously studying his physical attributes, grab a bar of soap likened to your signature scent and carve it to resemble him. Use the soap doll everyday for a week. This will ensure he has a strong acquaintance with what you normally smell like (pre-gym time.) The next time you see him or talk to him, he will be unable to resist the alluring pheromones you give off.

A vital step in the process of making your unreciprocated love reciprocated is trailing his every move. When you see him walking across the Quad, no matter where you are heading, change your direction. Stay on his path, but stay about two or three feet away. You don’t want him to mistake you for the heavy breather, Brainy, from Hey, Arnold.

If he goes to Skillman’s, you do the same. Sit a few seats away from him. If he makes eye contact with you, pretend like you were looking at something past his head. Or it you are feeling bold, give him a little wink and shimmy.

Once he indicates to you that he’s interested – for example, he may roll his computer chair farther from where you’re sitting, but don’t worry he’s just afraid by all the emotions he’s feeling for you at once – it’s time to make your move.

Convince his roommate that you are part of the work order staff and hide yourself. When he comes back, pop out, and express your love. Tell him all about the Facebook you created for him and all the effort you put into his soap doll. Even cite this article’s expertise. I guarantee once he learns that you read Love Letters from Ana, he will be ready to shower you with all his love.

Good luck cuties.

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