By D.B Wimpiss ‘28 | Mustache-of-the-Year Champ

Lafayette may have a serial caresser on its hands, according to local authorities.

The breaking-and-entering figure known as “The Foot-Toucher” has struck again, entering two more houses and stroking victims before leaving.

Rider, a chemical engineering major, woke up when she felt a finger gently poke her shoulder multiple times.

“He didn’t take anything in the house,” she said. “Nothing stolen, just a few prods like an impatient child.”

Jennifer Richardson ‘15 shares Rider’s sense of unease. She was asleep at her desk when another finger rubbed the side of her cranium.

“It was like he was giving me a temple massage,” she said.

Afterwards, he went into her roommate’s bedroom and tapped her on the knee, causing her to kick her leg out in response to the nerve stimulation. The roommate, who wished to remain anonymous, declined to comment.

Public Safety officer Daniel Morrison said that the Toucher could strike again.

“So far, he’s hit the head, shoulders, knees, and toes,” he said. “This is a sick son of a bitch. I’d expect him to target the eyes and ears and mouth and nose next.”

He said that the delinquent is difficult to catch because he has no definiable pattern.

“He went for the head in January, then waited almost two months before striking again,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m going to lose a lot of sleep over this one. No consistent modus operandi.”

Morrison then started to have terrible flashbacks to the Patty Caker Case in ‘88 that prompted his wife to leave him.

“Never caught the bastard,” he growled with a cigar in his mouth. “I’ll be damned if I let another one get by me.”

Morrison said that shouting “Red Light!” at the newly dubbed “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes Toucher” should halt him in time for the police to arrive.