Oh, you want to enter your dorm? Want to enter the bathroom? And you thought you could just walk in? HAHA no. That would be too easy. You’re going to need to verify your identity via TruoTush, the college announced Tuesday. 

Doors will only open on campus when a student uses their fob and approves access through the TruoTush app on their phone, laptop and Nintendo DS. Alternatively, students can enter in a nine-digit code—any incorrect numbers entered, though, will trigger an alert to the FBI.

“We already use TruoTush to protect the treasure troves of Lafayette College Moodle and e-mail. And now, we’re moving into other realms of student life, for maximum security,” Director of Nonsense Abby Normal said.

Fellow administrator Megan Itwit, Dean of Making Things Difficult, echoed Normal’s sentiment.

“It’s just too easy for strangers to pilfer key fobs from students and enter dorms undetected,” said Itwit. “Students these days always have their phones and Nintendos and whatnot on them, anyway.”

Extra security will be implemented for all individual dorm rooms. TruoTush will present each student with three riddles. Successful answers will allow the student into their room. Incorrect answers trigger airborne ejection from the building. Don’t like it? Get your (Truo)Tush out of Lafayette. 

By Ron Dickles ‘420

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.