The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Larry has day off, students starve

All late night tendies and fries ordered on Monday remained in the Lower Kitchen area, as the lazy, hopeless students of Lafayette grew hungry in the atrium. (Courtesy of Pixabay and Flickr)

Lower’s famous order notifier Larry had a day off on Monday, causing dozens of students to go unaware that their orders at Lower had been completed.

“I sat in the lobby of Farinon waiting and waiting,” said Omi Cash ‘20. “Eventually, I must have gotten lightheaded from starvation and I woke up in the Bailey’s Health Center.”

As food piled on the counter of Lower, eventually one worker went check out what was going on in the atrium—only to find dozens of students passed out. Many hadn’t eaten a quesadilla, burger or any tenders and fries in hours. Public safety and medical stretchers were called to the scene.

One student, Hank Gree ‘20 had depended on Larry’s loud vocal abilities to reach his hard-of-hearing ears.

“I yearned for sustenance, but my number never came,” Gree said, groggily. “I felt alone, deserted and betrayed.”

As a result of this tragic series of events, Larry promised to work day and night to ensure no Lafayette student goes hangry again.

“I had no idea the terrors my absence would cause,” he said. “I will do what I can to make sure this dark day is just an isolated incident in Lafayette’s history.”

“Also everyone needs to stay within earshot when you wait for your orders,” he added.

By enTRopY mS ‘3.14 and Ron Dickles ‘420

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.

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