After being charged with hazing by the college, members of the fraternity Nu Beta Lie began a two-hour cry-sesh with college officials. To help console them, fraternity brothers called in reinforcements—their brother alums who were luckily able to get to the scene quickly via private jets.

College investigators came to a stern conclusion at the end of the hearing: feign even an ounce of human remorse, and Nu Lie would be restored to active status.

Fraternity president Guy Fibson ‘29 took the lead.

“When I think about my actions, the thought of a consequence almost makes me want to do it again less,” Fibson told college officials.

Lead college investigator Joe Schmoe applauded Fibson’s bravery.

One investigator nearly took a look at the evidentiary reports in front of them during the meeting, but light reflected from an Nu Lie alum’s Rolex blinded them before they had the chance.

By Special K ‘007

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.