Lower to offer catering service so college doesn’t have to refund meal plans


In the wake of the school closing, many students have called for certain services like housing and meal plans to be partially refunded. In response, college president Libby Arts has reopened Lower and offered a delivery service to those who order within a 500-mile radius.

The regular cooks have returned, and some other workers have been rehired as delivery persons.

“I’m glad they reopened so I can have a paycheck again,” said Brett Baker, a cook at Lower. 

“I can’t wait to start getting food to these students again,” Larry added..

The service has tried with a few students to test out how well it works.

“I thought it worked pretty well,” McDan Jones ‘21 said. “I live in Raleigh, North Carolina, and it only took eight hours.”

“My fries were still hot when he got here!” said Gordy Davis ‘23 of Toronto, Ontario.

While other students have expressed dismay because they live outside of the mile radius, Arts has said that Lower is working on a possible shipping service to reach students on other continents in the future.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.