A name change is coming to College Hill this fall. Is Lafayette finally going to forsake the genocidal namesake of its primary road? Will Fisher East and West be properly renamed Fisher North and South to reflect their actual positions? Not quite. This change will forever alter a primary study spot for many Pards. The David Bishop Skillman Library will officially be renamed Skillperson Library in a new inclusivity initiative. 

“I just think it’s pretty messed up to imply that only men have skill,” Sally Snowflake, a women’s, gender and sexuality studies student, said. “Lafayette is co-ed now. We’re not just skill men, we’re skill people.” 

“Hello? It’s 1950 calling. They want their library back,” U.S. Vice President Kamala Harris added during her weekly interview with The Lafayette. 

“When I walk into Skillman, I can feel the toxicity of over one hundred years of male students weighing on my shoulders,” Snowflake said. “They’re just screaming and screaming at me to get back into the kitchen. It makes it kind of hard to finish my discussion posts.”

“Hopefully with this new change, the aura of the space will feel more welcoming to all students,” Snowflake continued. 

Many wonder if students will set their sights on Grossman House or Grossman Gallery next.

“I can’t believe you would ask me that, you misogynist pig,” Snowflake said. “Only men are gross. No name change is necessary.”

When College Republicans were asked to comment, three gunshots were heard in the distance.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.