A couple going for a walk in the Minnesota Big Woods this week came across former President Alison Byerly on a private campground site with a fire fueled by paychecks meant for dining hall employees.

When asked why she was not working as president of Carleton College, Byerly exclaimed, “you actually believed that?”

Carleton College, upon further investigation, is actually a small traveling improv troupe—not a college.

The Lafayette, in a midnight raid of the Feather House, found evidence that Lafayette administrators first knew about Byerly’s disappearance sometime during spring 2021. The documents, scattered between Old Navy polka dot masks, suggest that in an effort to disguise Byerly’s disappearance, a search for a new college president was announced.

Current president Nicole Hurd said she had no idea she was part of this elaborate cover-up.

“I think it was both bold and brave of [Byerly] to do what she had to do,” Hurd said.

This incident marks the third-longest time Byerly has ever been reported missing.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.