Football team attends three-hour lecture by Juggling Club on how to get girls


On Sunday, in the asbestos-filled dungeon theatre of Farinon where they found the Lindbergh baby, the Juggling Club hosted a seminar on getting girls to the loneliest group on campus: the football team.

“The key is really to just have the balls to do it,” captain of the Juggling Club senior Josh Tillman said. “Girls fall down at our feet as soon as we pull our balls out and start playing with them.”

Throughout the three-hour lecture, the football team sat through a presentation titled “Scoring more than a three off the field” and was given ample opportunities to ask questions and take notes.

“We tried to stress openness because so many of them have a beginner’s mindset. You would really think none of them have ever even spoken to someone other than the people on the team,” vice president of the club senior Win Butler ’22 said.

“Another challenge we did not foresee was how slowly we had to go through the presentation to make sure that we did not lose some of the players,” treasurer ’23 Brian Wilson said.

This incredibly important work is not new for the Juggling Club; the football team is the fifth athletic team they have given the presentation to so far this year.

“Yeah, they came to talk to us at our house. They were super helpful in teaching the basic dos and don’ts of talking to girls,” sophomore baseball player Robin Pecknold, who must have just come back from a tropical island—or perhaps decided to rep his favorite water bottle brand on his hat, said.

“I think the most important thing they told me was to stop mentioning that I could have gone to the Big 10, while playing for the losingest team in division one over the past four years,” senior lacrosse player Justin Vernon said.

In addition to sports teams, the Juggling Club has also given talks to many Greek life organizations.

The Interfraternity Council said that “The Juggling Club is doing God’s work.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.