Following the college’s announcement that students will have to start registering all parties, the fraternity Chi Omega Kappa (COK) has become the first success story of this new policy.

“We decided to listen to the school like we always do,” COK president Hay Zingerman said. “Because we are so focused on giving back to the community by getting hot freshman girls plastered, we really thought that working with PSAFE would be best.”

However, when the PSAFE officer that was assigned to keep an eye on their parties decided to follow the trail of inebriated women, he found the brothers to be the most captivating part of the house.

“Forget the women, the brotherhood is the deepest and most sincere aspect of this fraternity,” head PSAFE officer Ray Cialprofiling said. “Not in a gay way of course, but these guys really seemed more interested in each other than any of the girls there. I wanted to be a part of that. Not in a gay way of course. No homo.”

Zingerman said that as soon as Cialprofiling walked in the house and immediately rattled off ten slurs, the fraternal community of COK resonated with him on a deeper level.

“These are really my people, bruh,” Cialprofiling said. “I’ve never felt more of an escape from this snowflake-ridden campus than in COK.”

However, the road to brotherization was not an easy one. As a pledge, Cialprofiling had to push himself both physically and mentally. From helping his wife raise their two children to helping campus investigations, Cialprofiling was really stretched to his limits.

“The hazing really bonded me to the brothers of COK,” he said. “I love being able to trust these dudes with my life after they put me through complete hell.”

According to Britannica, Stockholm syndrome is defined as a “psychological response wherein a captive begins to identify closely with his or her captors, as well as with their agenda and demands.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.