Episode LXIX: Return of the Quent


A student favorite is making its long-awaited return to College Hill: the Quad Tent. 

Affectionately known as the Quent by students, this huge, white monstrosity holds a special place in the heart of many Pards. 

“The grass has been far too green lately,” Pigh Stai ’22 said. “I’m looking forward to the big patch of mud coming back.” 

For some students, the tent provides motivation to efficiently complete work.

“When I sit in the library and look out at the tent, I get filled with such a blood rage at how ugly it is that I finish my work in record time,” Joe Byron ’23 explained. “Then, I go out to the tent and spend about forty-five minutes trying to tear it down with my bare hands before I give up and go to volleyball practice.”

For other students, the return of the tent comes just in time.

“When the tent went away last time, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to complete my senior bucket list item of having sex under it, but luckily it’s back at the perfect time,” Chad Brody ’22 said.  

Some economically-minded readers might be wondering where the college will be getting the funds for this project. The answer is simple—minimum wage will be re-lowered to its 1985 rate of $4.88.

“The tent requires six million dollars in upkeep per week because we have to pay all the little goblins that guard it,” President Nicole Hurd explained. “But after listening and learning for months, we know the tent is among the top priority of the student body, so we made the bold and brave decision to bring it back.” 

“We want students to get to the quad and say ‘Ah, tent,’” Annette Diorio added. “That’s the Lafayette promise.” 

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.