After a record low number of balloon arches in the common area of Farinon during this academic year, the administration has acted in collaboration with the Board of Trustees to begin the college’s Five-Year Balloon Increasement Plan.

“Our mission here is simple,” a member of the administration said. “Students come to this school expecting the quality only a premier liberal arts institution can provide. We have been focused on secondary priorities like underpaying our professors and spoiling Lax bros when the real issues lie elsewhere.”

Lafayette Students for Bigger Balloons (LSBB) was a key factor in achieving this huge victory. 

“We spent months lobbying the administration,” member Jessica Alhorn, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “It’s thrilling to see that finally, every student has access to balloons, regardless of financial status.”

“Honestly, I thought the administration was just full of hot air until they passed this policy,” Brian James ‘23, who serves in Student Government as Director of Inefficiency, said. “I’m so happy I could burst.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.