As Covid cases decline, a new contagious disease has begun to spread rapidly on campus. The novel cheese touch, colloquially known as PARM-69, has infected a whopping number of 800 students and 40 faculty members in the last week. 

PARM-69 is most commonly transmitted by poking someone in the arm and stating: “You’ve got the cheese touch!”

Symptoms include but are not limited to: fatigue, irritability, a potent desire to go to Milo’s for DBs (Dollar Beers), skipping to get around campus, texting your ex and repeatedly saying phrases like, “it was a movie” and “still hit tho.”

Bailey’s Health Center has been hit with an influx of sick patients. To avoid infection, workers have upgraded to full hazmat suits, and Dr. Goldstein has been wearing an inflatable dinosaur costume for extra protection. 

“I’ve never seen anything like this. I’ve had to use the stethoscope hanging on my neck. I thought it was just a prop all this time,” Goldstein said.

For treatment, the college is requiring all students infected with PARM-69 to quarantine for 20 minutes in the bathroom of a fraternity house of their choice. Experts say that the contaminated particulates in these spaces will help to wipe out the cheese touch and develop antibodies.

To prevent sexually transmitted cases of the cheese touch, Bailey’s has been handing out new KN95 chastity belts to promote safe sex. 

“A major symptom of the cheese touch is sending your ex a ‘u up?’ text. This new contraceptive device will help mitigate any effects of infection while still promoting bad decisions,” Gregora Heffley ’22, L-RAJE co-sponsor of the initiative, said. 

After running a lab analysis, scientists have discovered that the disease originated in the Chi Phi house from a piece of moldy cheese found in the back of their fridge. Until cases subside, the greek organization will be banned from sitting on their porch to prevent passersby from being exposed to a dangerous cheese poking zone.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.